


Our Average Worlds

by NightAndDae



Category: Naruto, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Akatsuki Crack, Akatsuki Crack Fanfiction Gen, Akatsuki Family, Akatsuki Fanfiction, Akatsuki Fanfiction Gen, Akatsuki as parents, Crack, Deidara - Freeform, Don't blame me for throwing BTS here I had to, Everyone is whipped for him, Fluff, Gen, House Hunting, Jeon Jungkook as Akatsuki's child, a lot of swearing, akatsuki domestic, bts - Freeform, don't worry if you don't know BTS you don't really have to, extreme profaniyt, innuendos, jeon jungkook - Freeform, strong dirty jokes, zetsu won't show up sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-26 00:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20034739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightAndDae/pseuds/NightAndDae
Summary: When a small child stumbles into the S-Ranked Criminal Akatsuki's world, all their lives turn upside down as they suddenly become the parents for this tiny..boy. Jeon Jungkook.





	1. Chapter 1

Located deep within the wonderous world of Naruto, past where the ninjas frollicked with their kunai and chopped each other’s legs off, farther than the sketchy area of where Orochimaru supposedly had an animal orphanage, lay an cave. 

One would be terribly mistaken if they were to think this cave was just any cave. Just like every american horror movie, within the darkened cave was the home to monsters. Monsters that scared away countless innocent children from their fearsome reputation, monsters that only lived in darkness and never came near light. 

They were also monsters who were quite undeniably attractive. 

The monsters that most speak of who lurked in the cave were none other than the S-ranked organization group, the Akatsuki. Feared by nations, intentions of only killing and pushing all human morals out of their way for their one goal. Darkness, deadly, the closest thing to assassinators as you could get, was all the words that described this missing-nin group. 

However, what the world didn’t know was what the Akatsuki did on a daily basis. Sure, when they were out executing missions, they were all for taking on the image of ‘fearsome and totally kickbutt bad guys’ but once they were done and entered the cave, every single one of them took an 180 persona. 

Like this certain day. On a fateful sunny morning, it was particularly slow on missions. Usually, most of the akatsuki members would be sent out on a mission, but somehow, these days, each of the members had been seeing less and less of assigned tasks. Only Konan and Pain had left for a mission, leaving the rest of their chaotic group behind. 

Screams, shouts, and obscure curses were heard deep within the dwellings of the cave. Sunny slow paced days like this left them irritable and antsy. Basically being cave dwellers, all of the Akatsuki hated the sun with a burning passion. Their default reaction to the sun was scream incoherently, hiss like an wounded feline, and run for the nearest shade and curl up like a ball.

However, it didn’t mean they didn’t function or behave like normal human beings. Their cave’s furnishings and rooms were that similar to an house, except the light of the house looked like the owners of the house were seriously trying to cut down on electricity bills. Cave entrances with cloths separated the rooms, and he largest room in the middle was the designated living room. 

And that’s where all the chaos took place. 

The current status of each Akatsuki member was bewildering. With the more chaotic-chaotic members, Deidara was holding Hidan’s scythe in one hand as he sprinted away from a pursuing Hidan. Both were yelling unidentifiable words at each other in their mad cat and mouse chase. Tobi was in the kitchen blasting static at the highest volume from his mp3. He holding what looked like extremely hazardous objects and throwing it into an bowl of instant mix cake batter. Anybody who wasn’t associated with the Akatsuki would at least hope he wouldn’t bake it and not acidify the oven for the 16th time

Kisame was in his bedroom, screaming along to The Little Mermaid soundtrack from the beat up old karaoke machine they had gotten years back. Every few seconds, the music would cut short and static at an alarmingly high pitch, and identifiable cursing would be heard before Kisame kicked the karaoke machine and proceeded to his banshee singing. 

Onto the more less chaotic members. Anybody would pity these poor souls. All they wanted in life was revenge, fighting other ninjas in everyday combat, and conquering every living atom of the world. What they had not signed up for was regretting life decisions everyday and considering insane asylums to be better places than this wretched cave. 

Sasori had locked himself in his room, the most darkest room of the cave, hiding under an suffocatingly thick blanket as if the pitch blackness of his cave room wasn’t enough for him.  
He was repairing a puppet, and listening to “Mario Kart Soundtracks Earrape” through his nearly shredded earbuds (in courtesy of Hidan’s scythe). He most definitely had an extremely odd taste in everything. 

Itachi was hidden away in his room as well, except he was holding an tattered paintbrush with dried black paint on it, swiping it aggressively across an white canvas, creating very artist-offensive long black strokes across the canvas. Goopy eyeliner filled tears staggered down his face 

(‘Beautiful. The essence of my darkened soul and never ending abyss of self hatred captured in one whole artistic license.’ He muttered incoherently to himself, his voice muffled through his intense sobs.)

He was going through an emo phase. Nobody had ever thought the intimidating Uchiha could become even more emo than the already was, but perhaps the never ending chaos provoked new emotions within his soulless scarred body.

Kakazu was taking every kind of migraine, headache, stomachache, and stress relief pill possible, rummaging through the nearly barren cupboards, muttering to himself about the lack of pain killers. (“there has to be more advil in here, there has to, I can’t go through the rest of the day with only two”) Being the guardian and making sure nobody died (besides Hidan who basically died on a daily basis) this definitely took a toll on his body. 

Despite how the Akatsuki seemed, the relationship dynamics went far deeper than just hate and arguing. Deidara and Hidan had a hate-hate-hate-best friends relationship. They were the deemed pranksters of the group, both reckless and unaware of surroundings. Because of this, they also pulled their mischievous stunts on each other as well. The two tended to be backstabbers at the best of times, flaring the other’s tempers spectacularly. 

Deidara and Tobi had a one sided relationship. While Deidara used Tobi like a punching bag, Tobi adored his partner, always doing something incredibly dim-witted to impress his “senpai” Every once in a while, though, Deidara would be the one to save Tobi out of the stupid situations he had placed himself in; displaying how much of a big fat Tsundere he was. 

Hidan and Kakazu also had an one sided relationship. Hidan wold be the one to do something extremely stupid or short tempered and Kakazu, lo and behold, would be there in an instant to completely chastise Hidan, verbally and physically. The two got along at times, but still was on an off putting level of chaotic. 

Sasori and Deidara had a slightly one sided but more peaceful relationship. While they weren’t butting heads or yelling at each other, they frequently argued about their stand of their beliefs, which also led them to have disputes over the most ridiculous matters. However, Deidara had high respect for Sasori, whom always seemed to be there to break up Hidan’s and Deidara’s arguments when it go too bloody. 

Itachi and Kisame’s was most likely the most normal of the bunch. The two both got along, being the much less chaotic and level headed partners and never trying to get at each other’s throats. The two always discussed frivolous topics and the meaning of every living atom frequently, with Kakazu and Sasori joining if they weren’t trying to break up their crazily insane partners from yet another fist fight. 

As one could tell, Akatsuki definitely wasn’t a group that should be judged and labeled at once glance. They were extremely different than what others perceive them as, but a pity they had no idea what was coming for them.  
Basically, it was all Konan’s fault.


	2. Chapter 2

Resuming back to the extremely chaotic scene of Akatsuki, Deidara and Hidan were nearing the end of the verbal segment of their fight, and one could already sense the beginnings of an extremely bone-breaking brawl. Fortunately, Kakazu, who was in the middle of taking his sixteenth advil, could sense the upcoming fight even without seeing it.   
While choking down the pill without water, he ran out of the room and into the living room, where Hidan and Deidara were both beginning to throw out their first punches. Kakazu, brisk as ever, rushed to split up the fight as he quickly reached for Hidan, grabbing his arms and trying to wrench him away.   
“Sasori!” Kakazu yelled raspily, choking on his pill all the while. “Sasori! Get over here!” Kakazu knew that he couldn’t handle both of these two maniacs at once. He needed Sasori to pull Deidara away as well.   
A few seconds later, Sasori emerged, his scarlet red hair ruffled, matted near his forehead messily, and his hazel eyes looking fatigued and tired. He was wearing an outfit that was definitely not qualified Akatsuki attire. An hugely oversized aztec printed sweatshirt with worn out strings, and sweatpants. His headphones were still plugged into his ears as he looked blearily at the chaotic scene.   
Sasori scowled at his partner, laying in an fighting heap with Hidan, and released the blue chakra threads from his fingertips, allowing it to twine itself around the struggling Deidara. The blonde akatsuki was lifted up easily as Sasori effortlessly cocked one finger, sending the bomber flying into the wall.  
Bits of plaster crumbled as Deidara fell from the wall, coughing out dust. His blonde hair was matted with white plaster, settling like flour over his shoulders.   
“Geez, that was so unnecessary Danna.” He grumbled, trying to unsuccessfully brush the dust off his hair. “I was going to give Hidan his stupid scythe back, anyways.”   
“Like hell you were!” Hidan writhed furiously in Kakazu’s metal grip, flailing his arms like an spoiled three year old. “You said you were going to sell my scythe online as an butt plug you shithead!”   
“Empty threats.” Deidara shrugged, grinning all the while. “No one would want your scythe as an butt plug, hn. I’d have to sell it online saying that it’s an used butt plug, and who would want that?” Despite the ramshackled situation he was in, he still managed to have enough sass to send an self deprecating smirk to Hidan.   
“THE HELL ARE YOU IMPLYING?!” (It’s worth noting that Hidan’s face notched up a few shades of red, so that was worth something.) As he lunged for Deidara, Kakazu shot out one of his arms, it’s sinewying cords wrapping around Hidan and slamming him back.   
“You two, quiet down. Stop fighting or I’ll personally barbeque you both and donate you to the food bank as fresh produce.” Kakazu threatened, soulless eyes shining. “I could probably get an profit from doing so…” Deidara, who paused in the middle of untangling plaster bits out of his hair, snorted derisively.   
“You probably won’t get much money from selling Hidan, that’s for sure.” At that comment, Hidan swept enraged eyes on the blonde bomber.  
“You could get a fortune selling my body! This is rock hard, solid muscle here!” He boasted, slamming his chest with an open palm. Deidara sallied the jashinist with an look of disgust.   
“Yea, muscle and whatever the hell’s left of your body all stapled and taped together by Kakazu, hm.”  
Hidan’s temper flared spectacularly as he tried once more to jump at Deidara, but forgot that Kakazu reverted his grip on Hidan to an chokehold. The jashinist flailed even more violently, cursing loudly as he tried in vain to escape the grip, all while Deidara laughed in his obnoxiously hectoring manner.   
Sasori finally spoke up with the quiet, sadistic air that he always wore “And besides. Muscled human meat isn’t desired, usually. You’d best get profit from someone who has lean muscle mass but still a bit of fat left on their body.”   
While Kakazu took in his words with mild interest but unfazed, both Deidara and Hidan paused, looking at the respective member with newfound disturbness.   
“Right, I forgot you have an body fetish.” Hidan muttered, only for an undignified “Shit!” To fly out immediately when Sasori snapped an poisoned metal tail his way. Deidara only laughed harder.   
“An body fetish! Yea, that’s it!” Deidara choked, and, having more experience with an irritated Sasori, deftly moved his head out of the way of an pressurized blast of water emitted from Sasori’s hands with obvious killing intent.   
Sasori lowered his hands, his aloof expression holding only the faintest traces of irritation. “Don’t degrade my art to your stupid innuendos. My art deserves more than such recognition.”   
Deidara screwed up his face distastefully. “Danna, please. Your puppets aren’t anything close to the true meaning of art. Art is an evanescent burst of beauty, something fleeting but enough to leave an imprint.”   
“Art isn’t something that can be appreciated in a mere instant. Over time, it must be sculpted and left in one’s mind, so they can appreciate it over the years-”   
“Pfft, yea, yea, un. That’s bullshit.” Deidara cut off his partner with an dismissive flick of his hand, thankfully putting a close to the conversation. He rose to his feet, the white powdery plaster that was settled on his shoulders now floating to the ground. “I’m going to take a shower, Hidan mind if I use yours?”   
“Hidan’s not even conscious.” Sasori deadpanned, gesturing negatively to the now unconscious jashinist in Kakazu’s chokehold.   
“Why did you think I asked?”   
Kakazu glanced at the blonde. “Don’t you have your own shower?” He inquired, and Deidara’s cheeky smile morphed into an scowl.   
“Tobi drained one of his shitty baking monstrosities down the drain of my shower, yea. It stinks like you wouldn’t believe.”   
Kakazu grimaced, knowing full well the horrendous extents he would take just to avoid even thinking of Tobi’s baking creations. “I’ll take your word for it.” He said gruffly. Deidara glanced at Hidan.   
“So, how long is he going to be out for?” He inquired, and Sasori spoke up, an look of detestment etched on his features.   
“Hopefully forever. He’s suicidingly annoying; I’m quite tempted to cut his dick off most days.” At that, Deidara turned and regarded his partner with surprise.   
“Well, would you look at that. I never knew you were into collecting dicks now. Are you going to make puppet dildos?” Deidara’s feigned thoughtful expression morphed into an hectoring look as he gestured encompassingly to Sasori’s crotch-less area.   
The blonde bomber barely escaped the menacing snap of Sasori’s tail as he dashed off to Hidan’s shower, laughing all the while.   
Kakazu, taking in the whole situation in stride, rubbed his forehead and then glanced out the window. “I suppose it’s too late to ask where Konan and Leader-samma are…”  
~.~   
Konan shielded her eyes from the blinding sun as she trekked upwards next to Pain. Having finished their mission with ease, they decided it was best to start heading home once they scoured the premises of the Akatsuki territory. They nearly reached the end of the area, which was located deeper within an thick treed forest.   
“For the past few days it’s been quiet on either side of the territory.” Konan observed as she deftly pushed an looming branch away from facial range. “It’s a bit concerning. On an average, we have enough chaos to keep our members hand’s full.”   
Pain only nodded slightly within his cloak. “That’s correct. However, I’d like to believe that this is only a dry spell. Villages tend to keep quiet for an short amount of time and then like to strike when they think our guard is down.”   
Konan mulled over his words thoughtfully. “It’ll be convenient for us for them to strike soon; the members are getting an bit restless lately.” She finally commented.   
“Restless in what way?”   
“As in they have enough time to revert to their hobbies of years prior, Leader Samma.” Konan said diplomatically.   
At this, Pain exhaled in an exasperated and rather anxious manner, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “Does that include Kisame?” Day and night, all they would hear is banshee screaming to Disney Soundtracks, preferably The Little Mermaid or High School Musical if he was in the mood.   
“....”   
“Konan-san. Has he gone back to doing that?”   
“....it must be said, Leader Samma.” Konan finally admitted quietly, and Pain stayed silent for a few suffocating seconds as Konan carefully watched his reaction. The Akatsuki leader screwed his eyes tighter, counting to ten and then back down when his anxiety and irritation had not subsided.   
“Konan.” Pain finally said, opening his eyes, and Konan nodded her acknowledgement.   
“Yes, leader samma.”   
“Is it possible to retire from leader at this very moment?”  
“I don’t believe so, leader samma.” Konan admonished. “Please keep in mind you haven’t fulfilled your plan to become the main antagonist in Naruto.”   
Pain closed his eyes once more, an look of anguish on his face, before turning around, cursing his superiority complex.   
~.~   
Night was falling as both Konan and Pain made their last rounds through the forest in their extremely unheroic crusade. Konan adjusted her cloak to her chin and suddenly felt an extreme loneliness.   
“Leader Samma.”   
“Hm.”   
“..Is it possible if..” Konan hesitated, trying to pick out her words carefully. “..we can get a dog?” She asked. She’d been wanting one for a while, being the only girl in the Akatsuki, and it was something she could only envy the thought with at the beginning. Knowing the members, they’d probably either, sacrifice it (Hidan) make it into an puppet (Sasori) blow it up (Deidara) kill it because it reminded him too much of his little brother Sasuke (Itachi) or eat it (Kisame)   
All in all, an very unpleasant fate would await said dog if Konan would be able to possess one.   
However, Konan’s was at her wits end. At this point, she didn’t care if the dog may be savagely ripped apart by Akatsuki, she wanted an dog, and she would protect it with her life. No more caring about the ‘what ifs’ she wanted an goddamned dog, and she was going to get it.   
Pain stopped in his tracks, turning around to face the female akatsuki. “I can’t grant you permission for that. We already have too much going on in the cave as it is, you know that, and it’s too much of a responsibility. You should be aware we don’t have the budget for a dog, either.”   
‘He’s beginning to sound like Kakazu.’ Konan thought wryly. “Those are valid points, leader samma. However I wasn’t thinking of buying one, I was just thinking of finding an stray one.”   
“I’m not convinced there are stray dogs running around in our territory.”   
“I saw something running through our woods that looked uncannily similar to a dog, or rather a small puppy.” Konan admitted, and Pain hesitated for a moment, mulling over the decision. He was closest to Konan, he had to admit, and he wasn’t keen on letting her down.   
“..Alright.” He finally gave in. “..But only if you find it. If we can’t find it until the moon starts falling, forget it.” He said, and Konan’s eyes widened, eyes shining in excitement.   
“Of course, leader samma!” She chirped, dashing off, so unlike her average diplomatic demeanor.  
Pain let out a long, drawn out sigh, wondering what he had gotten himself into.


End file.
